Author Archives: American Girl

MusicRant#3: Taylor Swift Sucks Revisited

The Effects of Taylor Swift’s Influence in the Music Industry As Demonstrated by Two Videos:

Real talent like this gets undermined.

While young girls with rich daddies and no talent continue to churn out crap like this:


Chinese Superstitions

by American Girl

If I had seven years of bad luck every time I broke a mirror I would be long dead before my bad luck debt is paid off.  A gigantic klutz such as me cannot really afford to be superstitious about many things. The only superstition that I am inclined to believe in involves sleep and doorways.

I have an insanely superstitious Chinese mother. I laughed everything she said off until my freshman year in college. When I moved into my dormitory, my mom took one look at the room and told me sternly that I was not allowed to sleep with my feet facing the doorway. The fact that the door had a full length mirror made it double bad luck. I thought she was being nutty so I forgot about it.

Then I got really sick. Food poisoning, the flu, cramps, the whole deal. It lasted for two weeks until my mom brought me a screen which blocked the foot of my bed from the doorway.

Coincidence? Probably. But I’m sure as heck not going to go around sleeping with my feet facing doorways and mirrors again.

The following are superstitions that my mom has repeatedly tried to nail into our family’s heads from my childhood.

1. Do not sleep with your feet facing the doorway or mirror, as all your good luck will flow outside or be reflected away.

2. Eat all your food, or every grain of rice that you leave in your bowl will become moles/pockmarks on your future husband’s face.

3. Never stick chopsticks upright in a ricebowl. The dead will be offended as this is the way their food is served.

4. Always knock on hotel or unfamiliar room doors before you enter to stay the night as it is a polite way of warning the spirits of your presence.

5. Do not give clocks as presents. The Chinese word for clock (shi) sounds like the word “death”.

6. Do not give umbrellas as presents, as this will cause the receiver to have an unfortunate day.

7. If your eye twitches, you or someone you know will be put in mortal danger. (I almost got hit by a car once and when I told my mom she screamed”I knew it! My eye was twitching, my eye was twitching!”)

8. Do not sweep your house on New Years because you will sweep all the luck away.

9. Marry a man with a small nose and have a poor life.

10. Holding your chopsticks at the far end will cause you to move very far from your hometown for marriage.

11. Pregnant women should never use glue as it signifies a difficult birth.

12. Dropping your utensils during a meal means you will be forced to treat guests for dinner some time in the future.

13. Always greet guests in the living room. Never greet guests in the bedroom, as this will cause them to become sick.

14. Never go straight home after a wake or the dead will follow.

15. Do not have turtles as pets as this will slow down one’s business.

16. The noodles in a soup symbolizes longevity and should never be cut, lest the eater wants a short life.

There are also many Chinese superstitions involving Feng Shui and numbers, but I’ll get to those another time. What superstitions run in your family?

MusicRant #2

by American Girl

TravelRant: 5 Kinds of Irritating Subway Passengers

by American Girl

Strangers really take an interest in me.  People say it’s my innocent face that does it.  One afternoon I was reading Evelina by Frances Burney on the subway (because nerdy English Majors read everywhere) when a man leaned over and said, “Oh my god, I’m sorry, but isn’t 18th century literature the best? Chivalry and elegance are totally dead nowadays, huh?” We then had a lengthy discussion in which he told me how he turned down a multi-million dollar deal to build skyscrapers on his people’s land (he’s Native American). My supposedly “innocent face” will sometimes result in meeting really cool people like this man on the subway, but most of the time I want to chuck my textbook at the rest of the riders who catch my attention. The following observations were inspired from my weekly experiences of meeting subway riders.

5 Kinds of Irritating Subway Passengers

1. The Wannabe Gangster Rapper. The Wannabe Gangster Rapper, not always but usually an African American Male in his twenties, enjoys the music of “I got more hoes than the ozone” so much, he feels the need to share it with the rest of the world by unplugging his iPod and turning it to maximum volume. The public is then subjected to horrible thumping and obscene verses of the same song over and over again, for not only is the Wannabe Gangster Rapper inconsiderate about the music variety he provides to other passengers, but also because this is the rap song he currently memorized all the lyrics to. The Wannabe Gangster Rapper will then spend the duration of his ride trying to convince everyone that he lives the same lifestyle as his idol by rapping loudly with the music and bumping up and down in his seat to simulate driving a Cadillac. The annoyed looks of other passengers do not discourage him, as The Wannabe Gangster Rapper usually misinterprets them to mean that they are admiring his star quality. Sometimes a Wannabe Gangster Rapper will try to sell his homemade CDs on the subway, but due to his lack of professional sales skills, will come off as a total creep. Since a Wannabe Gangster Rapper actually believes that he will land a record deal through his self promotion, when you reject him he will convince himself that you just have bad taste in music or that you are discriminating against his race, and will move on to his next target.

2. The Pitiful Homeless Person. A Pitiful Homeless Person will not board the subway for traveling purposes, as the subway will merely transport him from Point A, a city where he begs for money, to Point B, a city where he begs for money. Instead, he will use the time he bought on the subway to do two things: seek temporary shelter and take the money of nice people. Smelling like rotten fish bombs, he will enter the subway and scout out his targets, which consist of amicable women and college kids who look like they get weekly allowances from their parents. He will sit down next to them looking as sad and pitiful as possible and tell a sad and pitiful story involving government conspiracy theories, his once luxurious lifestyle, being robbed, and his dog. Since he has  positioned himself in the aisle seat so that if you get up and walk away you’ll have to touch his rotten fish-bomb smelling clothes and still you’ll be staring at his pitiful face because there is nowhere else to go on the subway, you are trapped into giving him a dollar, lest you want to listen to the Pitiful Homeless Person’s story for another hour.

3. The Teen Clique. Teen Cliques are so excited about traveling without parental supervision that they will treat the subway as their personal party bus. This includes trying to impress their friends in the most obnoxious ways possible. A member of a Teen Clique  will continuously try to outdo another member’s “adult” knowledge through crude jokes, such as calling each other “gay” or comparing window stains to semen. Comments are always followed by the kind of over-the-top laughter that could only mean that the teenagers have no idea what their friend just said. Additionally, members of Teenage Cliques also attempt to imitate the professional stuntmen they see on TV by swinging and climbing on the subway railings, while everyone else on the subway is  secretly wishing they would slip and bang their heads.

4. The Rowdy Baseball Fans. Once in a while you will board the subway and realize that you are the only person not wearing A’s attire. These Rowdy Baseball Fans are going home after a long day of yelling in a stadium at their favorite team and are busy man-bonding by rehashing the details of the game. When dealing with Rowdy Baseball Fans, never mention your love for football, soccer, tennis, any other sport, foreign countries, or God forbid, the rival team unless you want to see some serious blood and spit.  Instead, ask them how the game went. This will prompt a Rowdy Baseball Fan to yell out “We OWNED them!”, followed by  a chorus of loud cheers and high fives. Beware as some members of this mob have a tendency to punch your face for no reason because they are too drunk and see rainbow spiders coming out of the walls because they are too high.

5. The Mother Who Needs a Day Off. The Mother Who Needs a Day Off made the brilliant decision of bringing her four ADD kids on a shopping trip and is now regretting it.  In tuning out their screaming  and spending the rest of her time on the subway dreaming about a tropical vacation, The Mother Who Needs a Day Off unfortunately leaves the public vulnerable to her little monsters. The children not only take up all the space on the subway running down the aisles and switching seats every five seconds, they also decide that right then is the best moment to have a tantrum. When one child begins to cry, all others think that it’s a good time to join in too. Unfortunately many elderly passengers encourage the mother’s lack of responsibility by telling her that her kids are “adorable at this age.” When you glare at the mother for refusing to do the right thing (slap all of her children and threaten them with no supper) she has the nerve to look surprised and annoyed.

What other subway passengers do you meet?

American Girl Learns About the No Refund Policy

American Girl is talking on the phone with Penang Boy, who is in a Singaporean airport.

Penang Boy: I tried to board the plane 40 minutes before my flight and the stuck up lady at the gate turned me away! She said the gate already closed and it was too much paperwork to let me on. What the hell? The sign says “gate closes 10 minutes before flight! And guess what? They don’t have customer service here. You call one number and it just tells you flight time and purchase info. 
American Girl:
Are you serious? Can’t you complain to the front desk?
Penang Boy:
You don’t understand. In Singapore consumer power doesn’t exist. People just take whatever shit is given to them. Nobody will help me.
American Girl:
You’ll get a refund at least.
Penang Boy:
No. Refunds don’t exist in Singapore.
American Girl:
Penang Boy:
Once you swipe that card it’s gone. The best they could give you is an exchange and  it will take me at least two days of persistent arguing with this airline to get it.
American Girl:
You should go back and cuss at her face for not doing her job.
Penang Boy:
That will only make me more angry. That’s why I LOVE the return policy in America.
American Girl:
So how come the U.S. has refunds on everything?
Penang Boy:
I think it’s a rights issue. People feel they have the right to undo what they did in case they don’t want to do something.
American Girl:
…Hey! Is that why I always see you trying to return everything here? (laughs).
Penang Boy:
Why are you laughing?
American Girl: Nothing…you’re cute. Anyways I’m sorry that freaking sucks.
Penang Boy: I can’t wait to get out of here.
American Girl: I still think you should go back and punch that witch in the face.

LanguageRant: The Most Annoying Phrases (Ever)

by American Girl

Penang Boy is currently taking a vacation in Singapore.  From what I could figure out from talking to him on the phone he is quite grouchy.  His reasons are:

a) it’s way too hot
b) it’s too expensive to live in Singapore
c) Why are Singaporeans okay with this!?
d) it’s way too hot he’s going to die

He also laments the loss of freedom of speech. While I agree America is pretty awesome in that aspect I tried to cheer him up by reminding him that Americans use this freedom of speech to burn the Koran and make Snooki famous. They also use that right to say the most idiotic things.

Speaking of idiotic sayings, in 2008 Oxford University academics compiled a list of the world’s most annoying phrases. They are as follows:

1. At the end of the day
2. Fairly unique
3. I personally
4. At this moment in time
5. With all due respect
6. Absolutely
7. It’s a nightmare
8. Shouldn’t of
9. 24/7
10. It’s not rocket science

Now I understand why those particular phrases might tick off some professor, but if you have college friends or work in an office environment, you’ll agree that there are significantly worse phrases out there. Whenever I hear any of these phrases uttered below I am overcome with the desire to punch something.

I don’t appreciate…
Right because I did it to gain your appreciation. It matters a whole lot to me you know, your appreciation.

I have responsibilities you know.
I’m glad you finally figured that one out.

It is what it is.
How deep.

My bad.
Yeah, you are bad. At English.

I’m not gonna lie but…
So you’ve been lying your butt off this whole time?!

I’m keepin’ it real.
You big bag of fakeness.

It’s all good.
It isn’t. It really isn’t.

You know what I’m sayin’?
You’re saying you have no communication skills.

I want to saw off your head.

I’ll give it 110%.
That’s impossible.

What would Jesus do?
He wouldn’t ask stupid questions that’s what he’ll do.

Let’s just be friends.

and I know this is a song but it drives me nuts…

Have yourself a Merry Little Christmas.
Are you telling me what to do!?

via don.wing45

What phrases annoy you? I’m really looking forward to your comments on this one.

SouthParkRant: 10 Reasons You Don’t Mess with Eric Cartman

by American Girl

Images from Comedy Central

South Park versus Family Guy: Which is greater?  A surprising number of Americans will answer Family Guy, but then a surprising number of Americans also believe Family Guy to be funny.  I have a hard time explaining to Penang Boy why so many members of my country think a cut away of a character in a random location saying a line which contains no relevance to the story is suppose to be hilarious.  I can respect the creators of South Park however, for managing to maintain a well written and hilarious storyline while examining and critiquing racism, sexism, homophobia, religious violence, environmentalism, xenophobia, and more. And most of it is done through a certain cute foul-mouthed fourth grader.

Let’s engage in a little hypothetical game shall we? If Eric Cartman and Stewie Griffin were given ample time to prepare for a battle against each other, who will emerge victorious? I give Stewie his due for technological advantage and various accounts of murder, but I still believe Cartman to be evil incarnate, and therefore the crowned winner. Unconvinced? Read on…

10 Reasons You Don’t Mess with Eric Cartman

10. He will pretend to have Tourette’s syndrome so he can shout offensive remarks about your religion and race on national television.

Le Petit Tourette
Cartman: Finally, my wish of going public with my illness can come true.

9. He will use your death to legalize stem cells and use stolen aborted fetuses to make his favorite resturant.

Episode: Kenny Dies
Cartman: These are primo fetuses, Randy, I wouldn’t jerk you around. …So what can your company give me for ’em? …Oh Randy, you’re breaking my balls here. …You’re breaking my balls, Randy.

8. He will inherit a theme park and go on TV to ban you from coming as you get a hemorrhoid and lose your faith in God.

Cartman [In TV Commercial]: Wow! It’s the greatest amusement park in the Colorado area, and nobody can go! Especially Stan and Kyle! Hahaha! So come on down to Cartmanland now, but don’t plan on getting past the parking lot, ’cause remember:
[singing] So much to do at Cartmanland, but you can’t come!… especially you Stan and Kyle.

7. He will drink your soul.

Episode: A Ladder to Heaven
Cartman: Alright, look. I didn’t wanna have to say this, but I think maybe we’re not seeing Heaven because one of us doesn’t believe in it enough…You know…one of us is a J-O-O.

6. He will trick you into thinking a meteor has hit the Earth and lock you in a refrigerator so he can steal your vacation.

Episode: Casa Bonita
Police Officer: Well kid, you made an entire town panic, you lost all your friends, and now you’re going to Juvenile Hall for a week! Huh, was it worth it?
Cartman: Totally.

5. He will incite a second Civil War and lead the South to victory in order to make you his slave.

Episode: The Red Badge of Gayness
Cartman’s Letter: I will not rest until the South have won, and Stan and Kyle are my slaves, because I hate those guys. I hate those guys with every part of my tired Confederate body.

4. He will expose your insecurities and drive you so insane you eat your own excrement.

Nanny Stella
: It just…didn’t happen
Cartman: You’re sterile is that it? No that’s too convenient of an excuse, the truth is nobody ever wanted to have babies with you isn’t that it? Always the mom’s maid and never the mom, must be hard on you, knowing that the years are ticking away, your friends all getting married and all the while your uterus slowly shriveling away, drying up, becoming totally worthless.

3. He will inject HIV into your mouth while you sleep.

Episode: Tonsil Trouble
Butters: I know, but are you sure Kyle has to be taught a lesson?
Cartman: I’m not just sure, Butters.  I’m H.I.V. Positive.

2. He will attempt to mass exterminate your race.

Episodes: The Passion of the Jew, Ginger Kids, Die Hippie, Die,
Cartman: We’ve all seen them, on the playground, at the store, walking in the streets. They creep us out, and make us feel sick to our stomachs. I am talking of course about ginger kids.

1. He will grind your parents into chili and feed them to you.

Episode: Scott Tenorman Must Die
Cartman: Do you like it? Do you like it, Scott? I call it, “Mr. & Mrs. Tenorman Chili.

Remember, most of the victims of Cartman’s deeds listed here were his friends.

What other reasons would you not want to mess with Cartman? What reasons would you not want to mess with Stewie? Comment!