by American Girl
Strangers really take an interest in me. People say it’s my innocent face that does it. One afternoon I was reading Evelina by Frances Burney on the subway (because nerdy English Majors read everywhere) when a man leaned over and said, “Oh my god, I’m sorry, but isn’t 18th century literature the best? Chivalry and elegance are totally dead nowadays, huh?” We then had a lengthy discussion in which he told me how he turned down a multi-million dollar deal to build skyscrapers on his people’s land (he’s Native American). My supposedly “innocent face” will sometimes result in meeting really cool people like this man on the subway, but most of the time I want to chuck my textbook at the rest of the riders who catch my attention. The following observations were inspired from my weekly experiences of meeting subway riders.
5 Kinds of Irritating Subway Passengers
1. The Wannabe Gangster Rapper. The Wannabe Gangster Rapper, not always but usually an African American Male in his twenties, enjoys the music of “I got more hoes than the ozone” so much, he feels the need to share it with the rest of the world by unplugging his iPod and turning it to maximum volume. The public is then subjected to horrible thumping and obscene verses of the same song over and over again, for not only is the Wannabe Gangster Rapper inconsiderate about the music variety he provides to other passengers, but also because this is the rap song he currently memorized all the lyrics to. The Wannabe Gangster Rapper will then spend the duration of his ride trying to convince everyone that he lives the same lifestyle as his idol by rapping loudly with the music and bumping up and down in his seat to simulate driving a Cadillac. The annoyed looks of other passengers do not discourage him, as The Wannabe Gangster Rapper usually misinterprets them to mean that they are admiring his star quality. Sometimes a Wannabe Gangster Rapper will try to sell his homemade CDs on the subway, but due to his lack of professional sales skills, will come off as a total creep. Since a Wannabe Gangster Rapper actually believes that he will land a record deal through his self promotion, when you reject him he will convince himself that you just have bad taste in music or that you are discriminating against his race, and will move on to his next target.
2. The Pitiful Homeless Person. A Pitiful Homeless Person will not board the subway for traveling purposes, as the subway will merely transport him from Point A, a city where he begs for money, to Point B, a city where he begs for money. Instead, he will use the time he bought on the subway to do two things: seek temporary shelter and take the money of nice people. Smelling like rotten fish bombs, he will enter the subway and scout out his targets, which consist of amicable women and college kids who look like they get weekly allowances from their parents. He will sit down next to them looking as sad and pitiful as possible and tell a sad and pitiful story involving government conspiracy theories, his once luxurious lifestyle, being robbed, and his dog. Since he has positioned himself in the aisle seat so that if you get up and walk away you’ll have to touch his rotten fish-bomb smelling clothes and still you’ll be staring at his pitiful face because there is nowhere else to go on the subway, you are trapped into giving him a dollar, lest you want to listen to the Pitiful Homeless Person’s story for another hour.
3. The Teen Clique. Teen Cliques are so excited about traveling without parental supervision that they will treat the subway as their personal party bus. This includes trying to impress their friends in the most obnoxious ways possible. A member of a Teen Clique will continuously try to outdo another member’s “adult” knowledge through crude jokes, such as calling each other “gay” or comparing window stains to semen. Comments are always followed by the kind of over-the-top laughter that could only mean that the teenagers have no idea what their friend just said. Additionally, members of Teenage Cliques also attempt to imitate the professional stuntmen they see on TV by swinging and climbing on the subway railings, while everyone else on the subway is secretly wishing they would slip and bang their heads.
4. The Rowdy Baseball Fans. Once in a while you will board the subway and realize that you are the only person not wearing A’s attire. These Rowdy Baseball Fans are going home after a long day of yelling in a stadium at their favorite team and are busy man-bonding by rehashing the details of the game. When dealing with Rowdy Baseball Fans, never mention your love for football, soccer, tennis, any other sport, foreign countries, or God forbid, the rival team unless you want to see some serious blood and spit. Instead, ask them how the game went. This will prompt a Rowdy Baseball Fan to yell out “We OWNED them!”, followed by a chorus of loud cheers and high fives. Beware as some members of this mob have a tendency to punch your face for no reason because they are too drunk and see rainbow spiders coming out of the walls because they are too high.
5. The Mother Who Needs a Day Off. The Mother Who Needs a Day Off made the brilliant decision of bringing her four ADD kids on a shopping trip and is now regretting it. In tuning out their screaming and spending the rest of her time on the subway dreaming about a tropical vacation, The Mother Who Needs a Day Off unfortunately leaves the public vulnerable to her little monsters. The children not only take up all the space on the subway running down the aisles and switching seats every five seconds, they also decide that right then is the best moment to have a tantrum. When one child begins to cry, all others think that it’s a good time to join in too. Unfortunately many elderly passengers encourage the mother’s lack of responsibility by telling her that her kids are “adorable at this age.” When you glare at the mother for refusing to do the right thing (slap all of her children and threaten them with no supper) she has the nerve to look surprised and annoyed.
What other subway passengers do you meet?