by American Girl
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by American Girl with suggestions from her brother, Chicken Man (written on a three day trip to Oregon when we got a dose of too much Swift on the radio)
Whenever I tell people I don’t like Taylor Swift, I essentially get the same response. People look at me like I killed babies and say “Oh my god! How can you say that? You’re so mean! She’s a sweetheart!” Well, ladies and gentlemen, you can sugarcoat her all you want, but here it is…
10 Reasons Why Taylor Swift Sucks
1. Screeching and Speaking Does Not a Singer Make. Last time I checked the dictionary, singer meant “one that could sing.” So why is Ms. Swift’s singing flatter than a plasma TV and twice as sharp? Even when all her studio recorded songs are autotuned to death and written in G to compensate for lack of rang, she still manages to sound like a drowning child. Obviously her live performances = Ear Hell.
2. Headless Chicken Dancing. I know Taylor Swift practices these moves in front of her mirror at home, but they should be banned to prevent public panic. Wrangling the mike and knocking her head back and forth to attempt a hair swish looks more like an exorcism than her idea of a rock star’s performance. Professionals should always try to hone their stage presence, so her continued refusal to improve herself as a live performer sums up her lazy and egotistic attitude as an artist.
3. “You’ll be the prince and I’ll be the princess; It’s a love story baby just say yes”. Welcome to Taylor Swift Song Lyric Writing 101. Let’s begin shall we? Hmmm…let’s first pick a subject, which will be boys of course. Then we’ll write about how much I love him or hate him…let’s decide to love him this time. Oh, and “yes” rhymes with “princess” so that works. Okay…yay! Number 1 hit! Okay, next song…let’s write about something that doesn’t have to do with boys…I know! Tim Mcgraw! Oh wait, Tim Mcgraw’s a boy.
4. Screwing up Relationships. Here’s another lyric sample from one of her songs: “Now it’s too late for you and your white horse to catch me now.” Instead of both parties actively communicating to improve themselves for their significant others, Ms. Swift feels that in every relationship, the woman has one mission only: find out whether the man is her Prince Charming or Some Hideous Being Trying To Break Her Heart. This all-or-nothing take on relationships sends this message to teen girls: If the guy forgets your puppy’s last name, dump that jerk, write a song about your feelwings, and cry yourself to sleep. And you wonder why it doesn’t work out, Taylor.
5. Self Pity. If you’re going to cry when someone throws you a punch instead of throwing a punch back, then maybe you deserve to be punched for being a damn weakling. Ms. Swift takes this idea to a whole new level by willingly asking to be punched several times, while using the image of “victim” to her advantage. Her steady whining about why she is so unloved culminated into the Kanye West Incident of 2009, where her shame at being bullied resulted in the entire country supporting her as the underdog, which exploded into the I-Feel-Bad-For-Myself movement that is now seeping into the subconsciousness of all women. Now thousands of women worship the Taylor Swift technique, or the “I like being bashed because it makes me feel good” technique, or to put it simply, “I enjoy sadomasochistic relationships.”
6. Man Hating.Taylor Swift makes Jane-Austen-loving, gun-toting feminists look harmless. So let me get this straight, Taylor Swift fans. It’s not okay for the Jonas Brother to break up with our dear Ms. Swift, but it’s okay for her to dump the werewolf from Twilight. Is that correct? Hmmmm…why? Because girls have feelings and boys don’t? Because when a boy realizes they do not want you in their life, instead of moving on with yours, you need to make the entire world hate him to make you feel better about yourself, is that correct?
7. Actress?! Taylor Swift is a prime example of one who attempts to use her fame to waltz into the Hollywood industry in order to further her popularity. Whether it’s music videos, guest star roles, or god forbid, featured films such as Valentine’s Day, Taylor Swift seems to confuse acting with getting high. Someone please save her, because if she were a Pokemon, she would hurt herself in confusion.
8. White dresses, glittery dresses, fake eyelashes galore! I’ve heard a lot of fans say that the reason they like Taylor Swift is because “she’s so pretty.” Personally I think Ms. Swift resembles Beavis from Beavis and Butt-head. It wouldn’t be too bad, if it weren’t for the fact that every time I enter a grocery store, I bump into magazine covers of Beavis Swift. However, if we assume her attractiveness is what makes her appealing, then why the hell is she singing?
9. And the winner is… “Oh my god, oh my god, I’m going to open my mouth really wide!” Every time Taylor Swift wins an award, she looks like she got hit by a bus. Think about it. The fact that Ms. Swift herself is so surprised she wins any award means she isn’t suppose to win in the first place. As long as the shower of awards and media attention continue, Ms. Swift will continue to believe that she is an accomplished artist, and the garbage that is her songs will continue to crowd the radio stations.
10. The brutal death of country music. Speaks for itself.
Bottom Line: Taylor Swift’s popularity signifies the death of talent in the music industry. It is a slap in the face to hundreds of aspiring musicians,who are being told daily by the entire world that the key to success is not talent or ambition, but stupid teenage girl hype. And ladies? Here’s some girl to girl advice. Keep thinking like Taylor Swift and become an old maid.
Convinced? Unconvinced? Comment!!!
* I invite debate. However, I delete all comments made up entirely of cuss words or racial slurs. Are you kidding me? You’re showcasing the idiocy of Swift fans when you can’t string a proper sentence together. And oh yeah, on the subject of jealousy: Criticism advances human kind. Jealousy is feeling resentment against someone because of that person’s rivalry, success, or advantages. Hate is to dislike intensely or passionately; feel extreme aversion for or extreme hostility toward. Know the difference. Why would I want to be someone who I think sucks?!